Dear expert in your chosen field of study

I write to you from the digital realms where we greatly need your help. I’m sure you have heard of the twittersphere, but I write to tell you it is under cultural attack. Our world was founded on the principle of information sharing, a world where people shared tiny summaries of longer more interesting pieces of information. If lots of people became interested in a chunk of information floating around our world, it glowed with a ferocious light and attracted tweeters from all over the globe like moths to a light. This is how our world works, a self propelling educational system.

Not so long ago there was a machine on Mars that told us it was snowing and tweeters the world over were sucked in by the glowing light of interest that quickly developed. We’ve had astronauts in space tell us of their experience, we’ve intervened at injustice, we’ve shared in the ideas of prominent experts and we could even ask the twittersphere questions and expect a good response. Each day our twitters were filled with interesting and well constructed nuggets of brain nourishment which enhanced and strengthened our growing twittersphere.

Then the celebrities came.

Tourist shaped celebrity juggernauts smashed through all that we’d created and lay to bask in the tidal wave of favourable public opinion that flooded and destroyed what the juggernauts had not. Like rabid rats the television crowd rushing through the tragically shattered twittersphere wall followed their idols, they took pictures, told lies, and misunderstood everything they saw. Our land has been invaded and our story misconstrued.

Soon after their arrival our airwaves began to be polluted with Brain Farts. We kept our world clean of brain farts before the celebrities came. It was taboo to brain fart publicly, to even mention the phrase was the most vulgar of actions. I shall never say it again. Now BF’s are everywhere, and what terrifies us is the speed at which they are replicating using the new vulnerable masses as hosts.  On May 27th at 2am Ellen, of the Ellen Show, infected our world with this BF:

“POKER FACE IS STUCK IN MY HEAD!!!!“

It disgusts us to even look at it. We can monitor our world for BF replication, they are as dangerous to our world as H1N1 is to yours. A look at our analytics program shows that in just nine hours this particular BF replicated to the power of 2.5. Two and a half results pages of replication in 9 hours; an alarming replication speed. Like the nuggets of wonderful information that grew before the celebrities came, BF’s are now attracting tweeters like moths to a flame. What is even more terrifying a BF’s ability to morph into what are known as “memes”, a slight modification of the original BF but much more contagious. Memes are truly unstoppable.

Ellen is just the surface dust of a truly monstrous problem. When celebrity combines with BF’s there are truly horrendous consequences. To make you aware of the scale of danger we face we have put together an intelligence briefing on potential threats. Please treat this with the strictest of confidence.

iamdiddy – infection status HIGH – Replication rate 1.0

RyanSeacrest – infection status “Currently too uninteresting to be dangerous, watch with caution” – Replication rate 0.3

MariahCarey – infection status DANGEROUS – Replication rate 0.5

MileyCyrus - infection status HIGH – Replication rate 1.0

“cheesecake factory fried mac and cheese balls are the bestest thing ever invented”

TheEllenShow – infection status PANDEMIC – Replication rate 2.5

Just got an awesome shirt. (totally bragging!)

Based on the preliminary research we have conducted we believe BF’s are caused by a lack of experts with genuinely interesting information to hold the twittersphere together. Like pirates and soldiers turning desperately to rum and violence when their captain dies, the twittersphere develops a BF problem when the experts disappear and direction is lost. Expertise and knowledge form the gravity of the twittersphere world, and without it, everything falls apart.

We have tried everything at our disposal to quarantine the BF victims but nothing seems to work. Our latest effort was to design a virus specifically targeting a known weak point of known of BFers; their ego. The virus enticed them in on the promise of more “followers” then destroyed their passports to our world but to our amazement they quickly developed an early warning defense system called “TechCrunch” which has significantly reduced our virus’ ability to destroy the infected. They are developing an immune system. The situation is now critical.

I hope you now understand the severity of the problem we face, our world is in grave danger of literally coming apart at the seams and experts are our only hope. Tweeters are a proud race, and we do not like to ask for help, but we need you. Please come to twitter. We know we’ve been labeled as a bunch of egotistical airheaders but we hope you understand it’s all part of the virulent BFers ploy. Dostoyevsky is making a profound impression on the twittersphere from beyond the grave, his contribution is the critical fraction of intelligence holding our world together. Our nemesis iamdiddy has more than a million tweeters under his spell and we fear he may BF at any moment. If it replicates, as past ones have, our world may be destroyed forever. Please don’t stand by and let that happen.

Idiocy and mediocrity are being injected and replicated by the minute, we plan to counter this with an army of experts injecting intelligence to our prepared army of IQR’s (Intelligence Quota Replicators). Will you join our forces? There is a collective concious developing out there, like an unruly and selfish child it will start sucking down cherry blasts and take up smoking unless you step in and help us drag it kicking and screaming along the path to enlightenment.

Like the tidal wave of celebrities that tramplled disrespectively over all that we had created we seek a new tidal wave of expertise to counter the mess that they have made. Please come to our aid.

Only you can save us now. Our IQR army awaits.

Yours hopefully,

The Twittershpere